What is it about our attachment to certain people that causes us suffering? Our insecurities lead us to become anxious about rejection or even prone to avoiding intimacy altogether. Some handle insecure attachments by becoming too needy or clingy. So how does one overcome insecure attachment?

I don’t think it’s easy to recreate schemas we hold for close relationships as we can’t travel back in time to re-experience our earliest attachments again…but as adults it is possible, with hard work, to create new trusting, long-term relationships. By working on having high self-esteem, enjoying intimate relationships, seeking out social support, and being open to sharing our feelings with other people we can re-learn what we know about relationships….and fulfill the our security needs in a healthy and positive manner.

I keep thinking we hold ourselves back from “acting” because we often give our fears too much power. Be it fear of failure…or even fear of success…we waste time and sweep today’s possibilities under the rug for as long as we can. What if the decision we make is bad? What if taking a risk does more harm than good? We fear what possibly might happen. The uncertainty of the outcome of this moment’s actions hold us back from knowing what greatness might unfold. We continue to put things off not knowing how brave we really are right this moment.

And not to sound morbid again – but the only thing we can ever be certain of is that nothing in the future is a given. Our future happiness is begging us to make moves right now…to take risks right now…to live for right now.

So say “i’m sorry”, say “i love you”, say “the red sox really do suck”.
Go do what it takes so that you don’t have to feel uncertain anymore. Because knowing is better than not knowing. What we do right now isn’t about getting to some other place far in the future – it’s about being happy in the knowing that we did everything we could do before it’s too late.

One of the existential conflicts we are unable to escape is that life for each one of us is absolutely meaningless. Yet we are creatures that yearn for meaning. Meaning (and a sense of purpose) gives us a reason to wake up everyday. It drives us to live our unique stories with vigor and zest – be it work, a relationship, a hobby we’re passionate about, family, etc. Being unable to create meaning or feeling like our lives lacks purpose can really wear us down….particularly if we’ve experienced difficult hardship and struggles in your life. So what do we do? Do we go through life feeling like we were dealt a bad hand? Do we concentrate on the injustice we’ve experienced? Or do we use our struggle to our advantage??

The idea of post-traumatic growth is that we use our hardship to teach us how resilient we are. So use your hardships to create some meaning in your life. Use it to help define your identity as someone who has not only faced obstacles but has overcome them with his/her head held up high. Our struggle doesn’t have to be just something we survive….it can be something we use to thrive.

What do those three names currently have in common? 3 men who are brilliant on the football field? Nope. They are three names that have bombarded precious sportscenter time. None of their soap operaish storylines have anything to do them with them being an athlete. Vick and his animal abuse. Favre and his indecisiveness. Plax and his stupidity.

So why is there so much attention being paid to all this information unrelated to them as an athlete, their teams and the NFL in general? Because NFL players are not immune to the tragedy that is America’s addiction to reality tv. For goodness sakes – T.O. has his own show. Jerry Rice was on Dancing with the Stars (which airs on Monday nights – How sacrilegious is that!?!?!?). I for one am fascinated with America’s fascination with reality tv. I suppose we really are created equal because even multi-million dollar professional athletes can’t escape being a contestant. The tragedy of this is that in retrospect Favre will be remembered with the same amount of celebrity credibility as Kim Kardashian. Damn shame that his legendary arm will now be remembered with images in People Magazine of him carrying Starbucks coffee into his luxury SUV probably on his way to hang out with Lindsay Lohan.

Do we blame the athletes? How can we? I doubt Vick wanted to go to jail and then play for the Eagles (sorry, had to say that). I HOPE Plax did not do this for “personal” fame. So who do we point fingers at? I’m pointing one at myself right now. I took time out of my day to write this blog. Even when we rant about these athletes – WE are giving the ones giving their personal lives attention. And negative attention is still attention.

Once something out of our control happens to us and we begin to feel hopeless, disappointed or experience other negative feelings…we often forget how resilient we really are. We can easily get lost in self-pity and resentment because it feels like bad things only happen to us. It’s natural to begin to feel victimized. But ask yourself – what does playing the victim role really get you? By focusing on your ability to overcome your struggles…and teaching yourself that you are more resilient than you think you are…you are building a stronger sense of self. So next time something “happens” to you – you have a stronger foundation, are less fragile…and are more likely to rebound quicker.

Our struggles aren’t our enemies. They might actually be the wake up call we need to rearrange our lives…..but only if we choose to.

Recently, I’ve been noticing how differently men and women approach the same exact situation. Despite what some women think, men aren’t robots…they have feelings too (I actively try to remind myself of this everyday). But why is it that we often don’t see a guy mourning a break-up for as long as you might see a woman? Why does the timeframe to get yourself back up and moving forward seem so much shorter for men?

My theory is: guys have more guy friends. What difference does that make? Guys don’t let guys remain *stagnant*. Is this conscious? I’m not sure. Is it because guys are uncomfortable talking about feelings? Maybe. And I’m not saying guys always steer clear from any discussions regarding feelings or that they don’t feel like taking their precious time to sulk. Guys are just as fragile as us women are…for rejection is not easy for any human. BUT -when a woman resorts to her closest friends (who primarily tend to be female, too) – she gets her soothing and comfort through talking and connecting. And while processing helps – it can also leave a person stuck in the past. What do guy friends do for their wounded casuality of a friend? They make him do stuff. They don’t let him just be.

I think we often look down at the connections men have with each other because on the surface they don’t seem to be as “deep” as the ones we have. And I don’t think the interactions between male friends typifies that guys are insensitive to their friends’ heartache. Their approach is simply different, and the more I think about it the more productive I think it is. Guys support each other by not allowing their friends to remain stuck. So booking a trip to Vegas…or in this economy, going to the local bar to hit on chicks, is not so much about dismissing underlying negative feelings. It’s about focusing on the future. Giving your buddy something to look forward to. Giving him hope. And all the while you’re right there by your friend so he doesn’t feel alone in this. Doing something (i.e. booking a trip; going out) seems to provide more concrete results than saying “you’ll find someone else”.

The lesson: Get more dude friends before your next rut.

I pose this question because I think the perspective (our core belief about whether man is generally good or bad) has a monumental impact on how disappointed we are in others. If we generally tend to see the best in others, our expectations might be higher than they should. Because we put people on pedestals we might be experiencing disappointment more often than others. On the other hand, if we spend the majority of our time harboring on the shortcomings and flaws of people then we’re consumed by disappointment more often than not, too.

I posted this blog because of a piece of advice a friend once gave really resonated with me. It doesn’t sound too pessimistic or too optimistic – it seems to be the most rational.“Remember that anyone is capable of anything“.

What are you capable of?

We are social creatures. We need to feel connected. We desire strong bonds. Basically, we all have an innate need to be loved. When we don’t feel like our need to be loved is being met we might try to convince ourselves that we’re fine…and that needing love or being upset that you are not feeling love is for the weak. Is it really? I think there’s such a stigma attached to the experience of loneliness that people don’t feel safe admitting it to others…or even to themselves. How often do we walk around the people we love and not share our internal experience with them? It must be difficult to live with the fear of being ridiculed for feeling lonely..and more often than not, sharing your experience of loneliness leads to statements like: “But you’re not alone, you have so many people around you” or “But you have no reason to be, your family and friends love you”. Who wants to hear that? Regardless of the intent, do those statements really comfort someone? Have they comforted you when you’re feeling that vulnerable?

I guess what I’m getting at is – we all feel lonely at times and no one likes feeling that way. But it happens. And if it happens, not a single person can change it but the person feeling it. But how about we all do our part and try to make it easier on the person. A person should not have to go to therapy to have to feel like they’re validated in their feelings. You don’t need to spend money and use brains cells to get a PhD in psych to help someone feel safe. As humans we will always struggle with the fact that no one will ever truly experience what goes on inside of us – but each of us has the capacity to relate to one another. Don’t let opportunities to connect with one another pass so easily….you never know who you might be saving from loneliness.

Throughout the movie I kept thinking to myself that regardless of my tendency to minimize my strengths, I can say that I am proud of the fact that I live my life as authentically as I possibly can. This is not to say that I live with no regrets or that I don’t lie or have moments of not being genuine. (In fact, I’m actively working on not lying about absurd stuff – I’ll admit I lie about the stupidest things like the price of a buffet at some random restaurant or what the fastest way to the beach is – all because I hate saying ‘I don’t know’ ). So yeah – I lie too. We all do. We’re human and imperfect and full of flaws. However, when it comes to being authentic and genuine in my relationships – I can say that as of now I don’t need a near death experience to make me re-evaluate my role in my relationships. I don’t think I need to feel like I might lose anyone I know to tell them how I really feel about that them. You know how much I love you, what you mean to me and the impact you’ve had on me. If you were to die right now, would people know the TRUTH about how you feel about them? Hope you all take the time to ask yourselves that question. Living truthfully might be difficult, but I don’t think living inauthentically is living at all.